so i have been home for a week and it’s been a bit brutal. a twittter friend called it a re-entry and that’s exactly how i feel, like i’ve been jettisoned from a space station in a tiny capsule, sent plummeting through the scorching atmosphere, flames raging around me, and dumped in the middle of an unfamiliar swamp where i need to learn to walk again.
the swamp, of course, is not unfamiliar, but it is, nonetheless, a swamp. it is hot and humid and then raining and steaming. the day i wanted to go to the beach two cyclones were forming over queensland and they were sending “weather” all down the east coast
it is beautiful like this, and i do like the smell of the heavy salt air and the feeling of openness this kind of view gives. and that i only live a few minutes from here. but the disconnect is serious. and real. i am an alien in my own world. everything annoys me. i am back to feeling how i felt when i came back last time and lila was killed – i hate my house, i hate this suburb, i hate the small town, i hate the rude people, the bad drivers, the bogan, the politics, the racism, the small mindedness, the water pressure in my shower.
yeah you get the idea. it could be streets paved with gold and i’d hate it, mostly because it is not where i want to be. but at least i know that now. before, i was experimenting. dipping my toes into the north american water, can i take the heat, so to speak, or the cold (oh the snow goddamn i miss the snow). can i take the weird food and the strange customs and the driving on the wrong side of the road? before i left someone said they were sad i was leaving, not just for them but because i am happy there. i am happy there. i cant even really tell you why, just that it makes me happy. and ‘home’ right now, doesnt.
i’m sure it will shift as i readjust. i’m my own worst enemy really, i come home and then have to leave again, to go teach in hong kong, and so in some ways the ordinary small town life becomes increasingly mundane. the flowers are pretty
and my dogs are gorgeous
and there are people i love, very much, but it’s not enough anymore. i need to find my purpose. every time i am in the US, i feel like i am closer to it.
obviously a big part of that is the work, because there i am not explaining or justifying. i don’t mean american universities are perfect, far from it, and the everyday realities of academic life are the same all over. but i feel like i am closer to understanding something important when i am there. it’s harder to hang on to that here.
there are other reasons i want to go back, obviously, but it’s not as simple as home being where the heart is either. the difference is this – when i fly into new york now, i feel a sigh of relief, like i am home, this is where i belong. when i flew into sydney a week ago, i was just glad to get off the plane.
i dont know when that shifted. i cant even really explain why.
maybe its as simple as the chance to start over. to get loose of all the memories and all the history, and make myself in a new way. when i got home, my ex partner and best friend told me he was getting married to his new partner. i am really happy for them, and have no real sense of loss for myself in that. i really like his partner, and we get along well, and they have made a huge effort to welcome me into their family.
but it’s another sign. its another message to me from the universe to keep moving, just keep moving kylie, don’t settle, you aren’t finished yet.
so i’m going to get a bit more pro-active about doing what i need to make a move more permanently. i feel excited and purposeful when i say that, that what i once thought was ridiculous is a real possibility. and also, why not? what’s holding me here, really?
so i’m back to treading water for a while again. im looking forward to teaching in hong kong, and then i have a busy semester when i get back, and then i will be back to the US again from september, which is not so far away at all. so i just need to keep my eyes up, keep my head up, keep looking forward, one foot in front of the other, out of the swamp.
k xx
